If your school year has already begun, then you’ve experienced the rituals of the first day of school; choosing the perfect outfit, stuffing the backpack with new school supplies, setting the alarm for a time you haven’t seen on the clock all summer long.
Tomorrow is the start of our school year. For me, tomorrow is the first of the last…..
When my Ben comes downstairs tomorrow morning, with his face freshly shaven and his hair still damp, I will wrap my arms around his broad shoulders, rise up on my tippy toes and lean in to plant a gentle kiss on his cheek.
He’ll turn the kitchen TV on, set to ESPN news, so we can both catch up on the football highlights from the weekend.
While I’m scrambling his eggs, we’ll chat about his class schedule, his teachers, and his afternoon plans. Once I finish making his turkey sandwich, he’ll begin to methodically place his binders, calculator, pencils and lunch into his backpack with the precision of a surgeon.
The last 10 minutes of the morning will speed by in a blur as he dashes upstairs to brush his teeth, grab his watch and sneak a quick peek at Facebook. Like clockwork, I’ll hear him say “Mom, I’m heading out now”, and I’ll know that’s my cue.
I won’t just glance up and say “Have a great day”. I will stop whatever I’m doing, and escort him to his car in my pj’s, where I will once again wrap my arms around his broad shoulders, rise up on my tippy toes and lean in to plant a gentle kiss on his cheek. With that, I will send him on his way to his first day of his senior year of high school.
Tomorrow will be the last FIRST day of school I get to experience with him.
For me, tomorrow is the first of the last…..
I don’t need a lecture reminding me this is exactly the way it is supposed to be. That our job is to raise our children to be independent, self sufficient, confident young adults. I won’t need therapy a year from now to help me find my self worth without my first born in the house.
What I DO need is a year’s supply (or more) of tissues, because I can’t and won’t deny the depth and intensity of emotions that are already flooding my existence as we begin experiencing the first of the last.
For seventeen and a half years I have led the way for him. I have offered guidance, support, encouragement, direction, perspective and more. Sometimes I’ve been 10 steps ahead as I led him, other times just barely a half step ahead.
Tomorrow, as he begins the last chapter of this stage of his life, I will let him take the lead. I will follow, sometimes just a half step behind him, other times a good 10 feet back!
My heart knows he is more than ready for the journey he is on. But my head wonders and questions……
Did we spend enough time together?
Did I expose him to enough of the real world?
Did I make him feel special?
Did I give him enough responsibility?
Did I tell him how much I love him?
Did I teach him everything I could about life?
Did I do enough?
There are no do-overs. I will try to not dwell on the past. I will try to not worry about the future. Instead, I will practice BEING PRESENT, moment by moment, day in and day out, as we share this last year before college together.
I will acknowledge every milestone we encounter for the last time. His last homecoming dance. His last high school football game. His last Snow Shoe ski trip. His last Warrior’s lacrosse game. His last day of high school. I will notice and embrace them all. Because before I know it, he’ll be starting a NEW adventure and everything he does will be for the FIRST time!
with Joy & Gratitude,
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